My Utmost

I enjoy having a “quiet time” every morning.....I’m able to do that now that the kids are grown and I usually have no place I have to be at an early hour. I kind of feel like I’m having a cup of coffee with the Lord. First I MUST create the atmosphere: coffee (fresh ground and local roasted, of course), my bible, a devotional (I rotate Spurgeon and Chambers each year), my journal (since I like to write) and a fire if it’s winter or the porch if it’s summer. For some reason, setting the atmosphere gives me peace; I guess it helps me divorce myself from the world’s worries.

In the throes of winter, I battle depression every year...February is the worst month for me. January’s not so bad because it comes on the heals of holiday celebration; newness and resolution; and anticipation of soup, football, and snow. February is now old and tired and always, it seems, Punxatawney Phil predicts 6 more weeks of same old same old and, if for some reason, he predicts an early Spring, it’s a lie.

This morning I'm reading from My Utmost for His Highest, selections from the sermons of Oswald Chambers. Outside is a dreary mix of freezing rain and cold, but the gas log and Bodo, The Golden Retriever are keeping things cozy inside.

Today, O.C. (that’s what I call Oswald) writes about depression, dejection, and oppression (go figure!). According to him and according to Luke 24:21 and 1 Kings 19:11-13, if these various “-ion" words are visiting us, then we only have ourselves to blame. They come from one of 2 things: either we have satisfied a lust, or we have not; and a lust is anything that we must have at once (his late 1800’s Scottish doesn’t necessarily connote a sexual issue). It could be spiritual: that we are seeking/demanding answers from God instead of seeking God Himself and/or we are expecting BIG things from God and missing Him in the small circumstances of our lives. It could also be desires of the flesh: seeking immediate gratification to fill emptiness in our own sinful hearts.

So now I’m trying to identify my “lusts” and I’ve come up with a few; some are spiritual but most are fleshly (and seem to cost inordinate amounts of money.....) None of these things are bad, in and of themselves, but when they become an obsession, they set me up on a detour from seeking Him

Anti-Aging Products and Routines: surely, I will AT LAST find the one and only one that works, short of surgery (and there is one out there, I KNOW it).

Shopping: wearing something new always makes me feel better about myself.....for about 30 seconds.

The Next Big Trip Somewhere: to escape worldly worries and obligations, e.g. sipping wine and feeding ducks on the dock at sunset on Ocracoke or swimming in a thermal pool in Iceland (see previous posts...)

Dining Out: I can NEVER get enough of being served...

The Next Big Project: 10 Cuttin Sage kitchen redo and the Guest Cottage at Vesper Hill (which I will write about at a later date). These projects bring excitement to an otherwise boring life yet they bring me to my knees trembling with anxiety over working with contractors and the million decisions that have to be made.

The desire to Make a Difference in the World: but out of making ME feel good about MYSELF, not obedience to God (which ALWAYS backfires).

These are just a few and I’m learning that ...

seeking God has a period at the end of it!

There is no:
for waiting on answers,
or for fulfillment with worldly desires,
or for trying to determine His “Will For My Life”,
or for trying to please Him with the “right” activities,
or for acting godly to please church folk,
or for trying to be a perfect wife, mother, and daughter,
or for forcing spiritual growth upon myself,
or for feeling badly about myself because I’m not washing everyone’s feet,
or for kicking myself for not being out in the world to spread the gospel,
or,
or,
or,
or......

But I can start seeking God Himself which means looking for Him in life's Whispers and imperfections:
my husband getting my car inspected for me on this dreary morning,
and sorting through Aunt Blanche’s belongings that look like clutter in my house, but were precious enough to her to keep,
and my precious Muslim friend that I never seem to have time for,
and my next door neighbors that I never seem to have time for,
and the precious young woman with an unplanned pregnancy who is trying to set up a nursery from the women’s center where I volunteer my time,
and the person who used to be a friend that I can’t seem to forgive,
and the countless trips to the grocery store for my precious 90 year old mother who can’t drive anymore,
and lunch with a friend in my stage of life,
and tea with a young friend looking for answers that I really don’t have,
and sitting in silence in front of the TV with The Doer of All Things Well after his demanding day at work,
and giving him the remote control every night,

and this blog.....

Such simple things and simple and imperfect circumstances and I’m finding that God is not complicated but is right there in the midst all the time, and even a tiny uptick in my maturity level is a HUGE work of the Holy Spirit. And it’s all Him, not me!

God shows up in my humility and then in the people He has put in my life (after all, we are all made in His image). But first, it MUST come from faith in His Son, Jesus Christ, who paid the price for my sin, gave me His righteousness, and equipped me with everything I need to navigate life head on!

Seek God.

Now, here are some photos from Ocracoke because I never want to stray too far from the original reason for this blog. We spent a Happy New Year on Ocracoke with our family. True grace and blessing abound!